Random Thoughts on Tits

Seen from the front, hanging down, they look, as mentioned before, like the udders of a cow (or the way a cow's udders might look if the bovine beast were a woman instead of a bovine beast). Rather like women themselves, tits are protean (that's "protean," not "protein"). They're shape-shifters, fluctuating and variable. Therein lies much of the mystique and much of their appeal.

Tits can perform tricks, too. One tit can be lifted, nipple to mouth, while the other is left in place. They can both be cupped in one's hands, either by their owner or her lover and thus "juggled." They make handy substitutes for purses, as anyone knows who's ever seen a lady stuff a roll of dollar bills down her bra for safekeeping, and they can be of assistance in the application of a woman's lipstick, as anyone knows who's seen Molly Ringwald perform this trick in The Breakfast Club. For the more imaginative and adventurous woman, a hand-held dildo can become a tit-held playmate. Undeniably, tits have sex appeal. Even their mere presence can enhance a woman's career, as Dolly Parton's comment to Bill O'Reilly indicates: "Sometimes, I don't know whether I'm supporting them or they're supporting me."

In fact, whole careers have been built on tits--just ask Pamela Anderson or, for that matter, Hugh Hefner--or anyone in Hollywood. I mean, who'd give Selma Blair a second look if it weren't for her tits? Even the careers of women who have talent and glamour are enhanced by a flash of their tits. We watch Linda Lovelace for the prodigious talent of her esophagus, of course, but, if we're honest? Male or female, we check her tits even while she's busy swallowing the best of Harry Reams. And, be honest, when Swamp Thing mates with Adrienne Barbeau, are you watching his thing or her boobs?

Maybe that's why Bob Hope used to sing "thanks for the mammaries" at the conclusion of some of the shows he put on for overseas troops. He had a captive audience in the military forces for whom he performed, but it wasn't his comedy that interested them, it was the likes of Ann-Margaret and other living, breathing hooters who kept the soldiers' attention, whether in Korea, Vietnam, or some other hellhole.